


Twenty, adult but not quite

by cian1675



Category: GOT7
Genre: Gen, Original Universe, Platonic Relationships, Slice of Life, Yugyeom-Centric, mini quarter life crisis without the intensity of a crisis but all the hollowness, some insecurities and self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 13:44:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7804120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cian1675/pseuds/cian1675
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hyung, can I ask you a question?”</p>
<p>Jaebum nods slightly, expression unchanging. After a beat, Yugyeom says, “What does it feel like to be three years older than me?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Jaebum asks.</p>
<p>“Like, what does it feel like to be 23? Do you feel like an adult?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twenty, adult but not quite

**Author's Note:**

> Vietnamese translation by orangae available on wattpad: [here](https://www.wattpad.com/423551186-trans-twenty-adult-but-not-quite-yugyeom-centric).

He looks in the mirror. The face staring back at him is the same one he as had for most of the last few years, random scatter of moles included. It is strangely unfamiliar. He’s been seeing more and more of the face covered with expertly done makeup, hiding every one of his moles except the one under his eye. This bare face he’s looking, the one he has when all the makeup is washed off, is suddenly not what he usually looks like anymore. Yugyeom’s not sure what it means. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. He suddenly feels tired.

He’s only 20, and that’s in Korean age. Internationally, he’s only 18. That makes him barely even an adult, if one at all, although being the tallest in GOT7, it’s pretty easy to forget. It’s easy to forget that even though he doesn’t act like it, he’s technically the maknae. It’s easy to forget that even though he looks like he’s the same age as the hyungs, he’s actually 3 years younger than most of them. It’s easy to forget that even though he looks like a put together idol, he’s also just a person with his own flaws and issues. There’s Kim Yugyeom, the GOT7 member, and then there’s Kim Yugyeom, the guy who just graduated from high school last year and isn’t too sure of himself at times.

Right now is one of those times.

 

 

It started earlier that morning, when Jinyoung was scrolling through his phone and suddenly shouted, “Yah, Yugyeom-ah, a bunch of fans commented that you look fat topless!”

It wasn’t a terribly offending comment, to be honest. Given what Jinyoung often jokingly says to rile him up, Yugyeom should be used to it by now. He is, most days. But for some reason he didn’t feel quite put together today, and Jinyoung’s comment put a scowl on his face. “Who cares if I look fat? I can still dance pretty damn well.”

It was a lousy comeback and he knew it, but he hadn’t felt like trying to find a better one to banter with Jinyoung, so he hadn’t. Jinyoung didn’t stop though. “Gosh, Yugyeom, are you offended?” That last word was drawn out in a teasing drawl, and Yugyeom had closed his eyes so he could ignore that and Jinyoung waving his phone in front of him.

“Shut up,” Yugyeom eventually said because Jinyoung wouldn’t let up. It didn’t work to get Jinyoung off his back, and Jaebum had to intervene.

“Jinyoung, stop bothering Yugyeom. You’ve had your fun teasing him, now let him rest.”

It got Jinyoung to back off, though not entirely willingly. Still, it was a small comfort, so Yugyeom had mumbled, “Thanks, hyung.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jaebum replied, giving him a small pat on the shoulder. “And don’t pay heed to what he or the fans said. We all have rolls when we sit down.”

_Yeah we all have rolls, but you don’t have the same kind of softness in your belly like I do_ , Yugyeom wanted to say, but didn’t. Jaebum was trying to comfort him after all, and he decided to just accept the words offered, although he didn’t quite believe them.

“Yeah, hyung. Anyway, I’m okay, why don’t you go rest or something?”

Jaebum had given him a long look, but had eventually gone off somewhere else.

 

 

Later in the day, they had an interview. They went over the usual things but when the interviewer asked if anything has changed since they’ve debuted, instead of the answer they’ve prepared, Jackson had suddenly said, “You know, Yugyeom used to act more like a dongsaeng but these days he doesn’t even behave like my chingu. He acts like he’s older than me.”

Everyone had laughed at the declaration, even Yugyeom. Jackson had said it with an exaggerated enough tone so he knew it was probably just a joke, especially after Jackson wrapped his arm around his shoulder, giving him a side hug. Still, Yugyeom couldn’t help but feel upset somehow. He didn’t show it though, just gave a polite smile and played along when the interviewer asked if it’s true.

When the interview had ended, Jackson had asked if he was okay, and Yugyeom replied, “Yeah, don’t worry hyung. I’m okay. I know you didn’t mean what you said.”

“It’s just to make the broadcast more funny, I don’t actually mean it. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, hyung, don’t worry about it.”

Jackson was about to say something more but he got called by the staff, and their conversation ended then.

 

 

The conversation had ended then, but Yugyeom’s still ruminating over it. He’s in the room he shares with Bambam right now, alone, still staring at his reflection. He’s not too worried about Bambam walking in and finding him sitting there just spaced out because the guy’s out at the moment, filming. Yugyeom kind of wishes Bambam is here though. He’s the one Yugyeom talks to most of the time when he feels like this. Maybe it’s because they’re the same age, but Bambam always seems to understand Yugyeom when he’s feeling strange like this. He doesn’t have his friend to talk to at this moment though, so Yugyeom just sits there zoned out until he cannot take it anymore. And then, he sits some more.

It’s only when someone knocks on his door does Yugyeom snap out of his reverie.

“You can come in,” Yugyeom calls out, voice strangely clear despite how hollow he feels inside.

The door opens slightly to reveal Jaebum. “I was going to head to the convenience store to buy some stuff. Do you want anything?”

“I’m fine, hyung,” Yugyeom answers, then realizes how ironic the statement is. He’s probably not fine if he’s been moping in his room over nothing much for the last who-knows-how-long. But anyway, Jaebum hadn’t asked if he was feeling fine; he’d only asked if he wanted something from the convenience store, hadn’t he?

Maybe his sardonic thoughts show on his face, because instead of just closing the door and leaving, Jaebum asks quietly, “Are you okay?”

The automatic reply of yes is on the tip of his tongue but Yugyeom doesn’t say it. He doesn’t want to put up pretenses now that he’s in the dorms and not under the camera’s scrutiny, but he doesn’t exactly want to tell Jaebum what he’s thinking either. So instead, Yugyeom says, “Hyung, can I ask you a question?”

Jaebum nods slightly, expression unchanging. After a beat, Yugyeom says, “What does it feel like to be three years older than me?”

“What do you mean?” Jaebum asks.

“Like, what does it feel like to be 23? Do you feel like an adult?”

Jaebum takes a while to think and Yugyeom wonders what his answer would be, whether it might be something profound. Eventually, Jaebum exhales with a sheepish face, “I don’t really know, to be honest.”

It isn’t the kind of answer Yugyeom had been secretly hoping for, nothing to help him with his messy inner thoughts. But Jaebum seemed to have answered sincerely, so Yugyeom nods. After a while when Yugyeom doesn’t reply, Jaebum says, “Why did you ask?”

“Nothing. _Just_ ,” Yugyeom shrugs, hoping to play it off as a random question, but Jaebum stays in the doorway. He just stands there, waiting, not asking further questions, and after a while, Yugyeom hears himself say, “I don’t know. I just feel really strange right now. Kind of lost, kind of not. I don’t know how to describe it.”

Jaebum makes a sound but it doesn’t really mean anything, beyond the fact that he’s listening. After a while, he asks, “Does this have something to do with being an adult?”

Yugyeom thinks the question over carefully before he answers, “Sort of, I guess. I’m almost an adult, aren’t I? But I still feel like everything’s a blur, and I have no clue what’s going on, who I am, what I should be doing. I mean, I’m an idol, that much I know, but beyond that? Who am I, when I’m not GOT7’s Yugyeom? Who is this person underneath who’s so much more but also so much less than the Yugyeom on stage?”

Jaebum nods slightly as Yugyeom ends, slightly out of breath because he ended up revealing more than he intended. Jaebum doesn’t immediately comment, eyes looking on the ground for a while as he lightly taps his finger on his arm, before he says, “I can’t answer your questions for you, but if it helps, I’m supposedly a legal adult but I still don’t know anything either. I don’t think anyone ever really knows.”

“That’s… not very comforting, hyung.”

“It’s probably the truth though,” Jaebum answers, expression sincere, and Yugyeom feels his lips twitch although it doesn’t quite arrange itself into a smirk or a bitter smile. A moment of silence passes before Jaebum adds, “You don’t have to act like an adult, you know.”

“Are you just looking down on me because I’m younger?” The words are out of his mouth before he has time to think it through, but Jaebum doesn’t scold him, just gives a short laugh.

“No, what I mean is, adults don’t know anything, and just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean things suddenly become clearer. If anything, it gets worse because you expect yourself to know better and you constantly realize that you don’t necessarily.”

Yugyeom ponders over Jaebum’s words. He considers it against what he’s been thinking, that he doesn’t really know who he is outside of being an idol, and what he’s been feeling, insecurities about his looks, his body, his attitude towards the hyungs, all related to but also rooted in something deeper than him being an idol. It seems to make sense, that maybe he’s been feeling like he needs to know himself better, be less sensitive about the things that make him insecure because he’s getting older, and maybe the hollow feeling is one borne of frustration because he hadn’t felt like he’s getting _it_ , whatever _it_ was. It doesn’t ease the strange emptiness he feels inside him, but Jaebum’s words comfort him somehow, in some odd way.

“Thanks, hyung,” Yugyeom mumbles, though he can’t quite put his finger on what for. For listening to him? For giving him advice? For making him feel a little less mopey? It’s definitely not for clarifying his foggy thoughts though, because his mind is still as messy as ever.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jaebum replies easily, “I know you’re a strong kid, and you can hold your own, but sometimes it’s good to talk to people, let things out, yeah? You don’t always have to handle everything by yourself.” There’s a pause, then Jaebum adds, “And in case you take this the wrong way, it’s nothing to do with your age or whether you’re an adult. I’ll say the same to anyone else.”

Yugyeom nods, not saying thanks a second time, because he doesn’t know if his voice would crack if he speaks. Jaebum doesn’t comment, just walks into the room and lightly ruffles his hair, before he leaves, closing the door behind him.

When Yugyeom turns back to face the mirror, he’s still staring at the same bare face he had been looking at earlier, but somehow he doesn’t feel quite as conflicted. Or maybe he still feels the inner turmoil, but it doesn’t grate at him nearly as much now. He pulls the corner of his lips up in a smile. It looks fake, but after he holds it for a while, his cheek rise slightly, and the Yugyeom in the reflection looks more natural. The Yugyeom sitting in front of the mirror probably also feels more natural, although he’s still not too sure who he is. Maybe it’s not that important, Yugyeom thinks.

Maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> There's no fancy conclusion, it's just slice of life because I am one of those many people who don't have anything figured out, lol. 
> 
> Also, I've always wanted to write more Yugyeom-centric fics/fics with Yugyeom as a central character but I never really know what to write. Mostly because a lot of what I want to write about Yugyeom is very related to his circumstances in GOT7 i.e. idol-hood and his maknae role, but I don't really like restricting my stories to the original universe. Anyway, enough rambling, I hope you've enjoyed reading~ I'll love to hear what you think :)


End file.
